Did Somone Crap Themselves?

Let's face it. Most of us have squeezed a little more out than gas by accident before.

A few days ago at work, I saw someone run by to the bathroom and just then- I smelled crap. I thought they crapped themselves. I felt bad for them. - I pooped a little bit in a store one time, thinking it was gas, but it was diarrhea.

Not until I got home did I realize I had dog crap on my shoe! On the only tiny patch of grass between my house and my work (about 35 mi.), I scooped up- Yes, scooped up poop on TOP of my shoe! Damnit! My dress shoes too! LOL I wear a tie at work often now.

That tiny patch of grass is between my house and my car, it's about 4 ft wide. I managed to land my foot underneath a wet, squishy, and disgusting pile of warmth.

Holy Bloody Crap Batman, that's disgusting!

I have a feeling that no matter what your exclaiming about Robin, it's not going to compare to the level of disgust what you just said stirs.

The Commute

poo shoe,
originally uploaded by paulbillett.

I realized I stepped in dog mess towards the beginning of a three hour traffic jam on my way to work.

Hungry and Pickiness

The more hungry you are, the less picky you become.

Earth Pimples

Even the Earth has pimples! They're called volcanoes... I wonder who pops them?

Universal Math

I do not think the universe works in accordance with math, because when math does two plus two it always equals four, but when then universe replicates something, it's always slightly different. Two plus two is 4.00091920200001011010111 and on a rare occasion it may even be 7.

I'm only partially joking about this.

If you look closely enough at an atom, a neutron, or anything, even those tiny things will probably have "finger prints."

Can You Help Me Move A Couch?

One asks another to bring a couch to their basement, but it wont fit in the door. The helper breaks the couch up and tosses the pieces down the steps.

"There, it's in the basement."

The Cashier

The cashier rings up the customers groceries and when the eggs come up they're gently put in then a can of beans is fiercely thrown onto the eggs as the customer turns to get something else out of the cart.

(Undetected, operation Cracked Up happened smoothly as planned. The rest of the grocery experience went on as normal.)

Food So Good

Have you ever had food that was SO good you wanted to throw up, just so you'd have room to eat more of it? Well, I'm on a mission to find those foods at one of my new blogs, Consumable Reviews.

Fisting... The Good Old Days...

Well, I've never done that. But I have a feeling this fisting article is going to be a good old classic. I tagged this with Art and Creative Writing, because even though it's not my work, Advertisement creation is still an art. It just happened to be funny art this time! :D

Writing Off Topic

In response to this...

So anyway, I was on this buss right, and in the dream, I leaped from it and jumped on top of a train station, from there… I began flying… Then I woke up…

Oh sorry… That whole writing “off topic” thing probably doesn’t apply for comments does it?

I do that too though… I actually started MANY blogs which are hard to keep track of and updated so I wouldn’t be writing off topic. Now my topics are becoming more general so it’s kind of hard to actually write off topic… So I can write more on one blog and stop spreading my brain juice in places on the internet that don’t need it, even though the internet would probably stop working without my brain juice, because it’s just so sweet. T’would be as a bee hive without honey! T’would be most disastrous! That’s why I save my boogers. Not for me, but for the world!

A Note I Wrote

A note I wrote to someone who reviews artists...

I'm an artist, but you wont find typical art on my site. I consider free speech an art too, so even though seemingly dry in taste, I take great effort in creating such works that make a reader feel as though they're grinding their mind on sandpaper. I do however create traditional works of art you can find when you explore my site, Chexed.com for even a short while. I do hope you will enjoy!

Funny Provocative Advertisement

I noticed someone visited my web site, Chexed.com today. I clicked on their link and it took me to elain.stonedsage.com. I saw a post that I thought was pretty funny! A Turkish jean advertisement series of pictures.

While trying to sign up on Shutterstock.com

While I was signing up on shutterstock.com, they require you send them a copy of your government issued ID OR enter in your credit card information... I don't feel like going through the (quite a bit of) trouble to hook up my scanner, so I tried the credit card verification process...

It didn't work. I got this message:

"Sorry, address verification failed. Please try again. The verification response was: AVS was currently unavailable at the time the transaction was processed. Retry transaction"

I researched the issue, and ALL I found that was relevant was by seaching "AVS was currently unavailable at the time the transaction was processed." That search yielded this singile result https://www.securenet.com/terminal/help/What_is_AVS_Check_1.htm... Which makes this subject one of the least helpful subjects to research. With something such an issue as this, I find it surprising that I can find more information on the colors of defecation from penguins.

Due to lack of information for consumers on consumer faced problems, I'm going to have to discredit the SecureNet.com system for now for me personally, because SecureNet.com seems to provide the Address Verification System (AVS) solution for Shutterstock.com.

I've come to this decision by facing the reality that it is just a smack in the face, silent broken wind that stinks, and a funny thought that providing the awareness for a problem as the problem creator or mediator while offering no solution or direction from which to go hither.

How do you like that legal talk with a hint of Ole' English at the end?

I'm not a legal expert, I just read a lot and choose to exercise my right to free speech.

Lastly, I'd like to add that ShutterStock may want to look into getting this problem fixed. I "retried" many times with no avail. That error message could be MUCH more helpful by adding only ONE word. Add this word in bold... "Please try again momentarily," "Please try again later," or "in a few minutes," or a "few hours."

Give some kind of HINT as to when to try again. By the way it's currently written, it is suggestive to try again immediately, in my opinion from my onion. However, when trying again immediately multiple times, and after a few minutes, NO WORKIE.

BIG TIME ANGRY FACE!


Super Duper Angry Mean Face

Take that!

Turn Off Hindi Language Transliteration

I opted in to help Google with the Hindi language perfection and it was SO annoying in my opinion. I don't even know how to read hindi, it wasn't what I thought it was. I searched on the internet to find it and it took unnecessarily long.

All you do is go to settings and select NO where it says transliteration. I hope I have saved you the time and frustration I spent trying to find this.

More ranting: I searched for hindi language opt out in Google, and it didn't come up. I suppose transliteration is a word that everyone commonly remembers except me? Well, I'll remember it now, at least for a few hours. I've been posting for so many months having work work around each word I wrote being converted into Hindi. I tried hindu, sandscript, sandscrit, sanscrit and all kinds of other crap but OH no. After painless months of searching, I finally found out how here. You can also toggle hindi transliteration using CTRL + g (which I learned for "blogger keyboard shortcuts").

Hehehe

I've included this in my funny section on blogger because I know how much some people love to laugh at misery. LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DEATH, FEAR, AND THOSE WHO ARE HAVING MISERABLE EXPERIENCES!

Hehehehehehee just kidding.

My burping Video!

I had a little burp on video and it seems to be pretty popular on youtube! It's at least my most popular to date I think (days listed dividied by views or vise versa).

Here's the link to the youtube burp video. (The first link in this article is to my personal site).

A Rock In My Shoe

I had a rock in my shoe for a couple of days. What does that say about me that I left it in there without removing it?

Perhaps I should do some introspection.

Hundreds or Thousands of Prison Inmates DANCE!

You know THRILLER from Michael Jackson right? Well here's over 1,500 inmates from the Philippines, and they're just practicing!!!

Pretty interesting. Maybe some prisons in USA could do something cool too.

Tax-decutable Self-destructing Costs

Disclaimer: This is an unfinished blog, may make it a "blurb." Why should I finish this article? You tell me. It makes me depressed to think of how MESSED up much of our entire race (human) currently is. Sad, sad, so sad.

Why is it that we must destroy our natural selves for the sake of employment?

Perhaps when my business is booming, I’ll hire only people who are grooming minorities. If you have a new hair cut, BAM!!!!!!!! You’re fired.

What should be tax-deductible?

HAIRCUTS - $50 per/year for MALES (DIY costs of one electric hair trimmer, though he must shave his head)
Minimum - $120 per/year for FEMALES (Because women may not shave their heads, because it’s harder for them to find a job with a shaved head)
RAZORS – Men must shave their faces, because most places will discriminate against a man with a beard, especially one over approximately 1 inch in length.
STOCKINGS – Women are less likely to be hired if they show legs with hair on them.
STYLISH CLOTHING - If someone does not know how to utilize their vision of style to use cheap clothing, they may have to purchase expensive clothing to keep up with trends, because if they look like the 18th century in the 21st, THEY'RE FIRED! Or worse yet, not hired in the first place, which is the most likely case.


These are all things unofficially required to attain employment.

You know who a genius is?

The guy who invented the stapler, and the guy who invented a paper-clip. Honestly, I don't really even know for sure if it was a guy or a girl who invented either of the inventions mentioned above. However, from my observations, it seems as though most inventors are men. Why is this?

Is it because women were not given as much "creative freedom" in past years (and in recent years in some locations)? Or is it something genetic? - Lol... Just joking about that genetics part. I laugh pretty hard in the face of genetics. Not to discredit genetics completely, but not to credit them completely either, which is so funny, because so many people do. "Sorry, I'm short because of genetics." Well, sure, I give genetics that much, that it may play a (the word "a" implies and definitely means here "a single") factor in why someone is short, but, doesn't food play a factor? Here's an extreme example of how food plays a factor in your height; If you NEVER ate, you would of died shortly after being born, and you would of stayed quite short wouldn't you of? Now for a less ludicrous example: If you're malnourished, your bones wont have the energy to grow, thus, you'll be shorter.

How that last paragraph relates to the first is this, even if "genetic science" does (theoretically, of course) prove that women are less creative, DON'T LET THAT HOLD YOU BACK. Spit in the face of genetics. Say "genes don't wear me, I wear the genes." Don't let genetic science (a.k.a. genetic theory) control your life.

Here's a definition of "Theory:"

An assumption based on limited information or knowledge; a conjecture.
(source: American Heritage Dictionary)

And that's what science, including genetic science most definitely is.

I think it would be so ridiculously funny, that if in the future, the world was once again proven to be flat, we just "perceive" it as round. Then later, people realize that shape is subjective.

Well, I'm running of on a tangent now. I'm going to go.